Wednesday, July 10, 2002

Lisa © CBS Television

Josh is working hard to redefine the term "paranoid loser freak," and makes the rounds with every house guest, fretting in his nasal whine that he will be the first person kicked out. Here's a tip, Josh, keep your shirt on, literally and figuratively. Also, don't even joke about being seen naked.

Marcellas ups the weird factor by stroking and talking to his rubber ducky, as the other residents display a total lack of "gaydar" by wondering about his sexual orientation. Marcellas opts not to come out to the others, but instead give them subtle hints, such as wearing angora sweaters and pearls.

It's now time for the challenge, and hot tub privileges are at stake. The 12 players are split into three groups of four, with each group containing two men and two women. They are given swimsuits to put on and told to go out into the yard.

As they stand in front of a clear vat of green slime, it appears that the game might get rather disgusting. It does, but the slime isn't the worst part. Each group must enter the vat together, and the two men must exchange swimsuits with the two women. Each man must exit in a bikini, and each woman must be wearing a shirt and swim trunks. All three groups must be finished in under six minutes.

Perhaps the producers of "Big Brother 3" felt that this would make the game sexier, but anyone who watched will need a stiff drink or a few therapy sessions to get the image of the flabby, pasty-white Gerry emerging from the tank, his bikini bottom sagging with slime. The game was won, at least, and the hot tub was theirs.

Despite the obvious attempts of the producers and the guests to inject some sex appeal into the game, watching them cavort in the hot tub was a yawn. It was certainly not hip nor edgy watching the three moms, Tonya, Danielle and Lori, bond over child-bearing stories.

Marcellas takes great exception to this topic also, but doesn't stop there. According to him, Lori is a dumpy snorer, too ugly to live. Tonya bears the full brunt of his campy rage, as he tears down her dye job, fake breasts, tacky clothes, and even her teeth. He has no competition for "house bitch" so far.

Meanwhile, a tenuous alliance is being formed by the ever abrasive Josh. Gerry, Eric and Lisa joined by a highly skeptical Roddy and a totally clueless Amy in the group of six. Josh's master plan -- to elect Amy as head of household and use her until she can be discarded. It's a great plan, but Josh fails to realize that broadcasting to his fellow conspirators that he is a backstabbing snake may not be the best idea.

They decide to nominate Marcellas because he is generally despised, and Lori because they do not plan to vote her off. Josh breaks the news to Lori, but assures her that she will not be kicked out. He swears this on his Grandma Betty's grave, his love for his girlfriend, his cat and his religion --devaluing them all in the process.

Not content to leave it at that, Josh drags Gerry into a closet and explains that he plans to jettison several members of their alliance in the future, including Lisa, who is conveniently listening outside of the door. An angry Lisa reacts to the camera, vowing to disrupt Josh's plan, and viewers pray fervently that she turns the tables on him during nominations.

Chiara is concerned with more important matters, namely, her newfound obsession with the adorable Jason. Having become entirely fixated on him within the first 24 hours, she plays it coy by frankly discussing sex with anyone in earshot. This is how she learns that the devout Christian Jason is a real-life virgin.

Jason foolishly believes that this revelation will lower his status in the eyes of the other house guests, when in effect he has now been upgraded from beefcake to veal. As the other women congratulate him for his high moral standards, Chiara tries to keep her head from exploding. "Sex is overrated," she declares, while mentally calculating the amount of liquor she'll need to get into him before she can score.

When nomination time comes around, Lisa retreats to her room with the house guests' keys and the "box of rejection" or whatever it is called. The silly process is meant to build suspense but it reeks of contrivance and adds nothing to the game.

The house guests gather around the dining room table, and are told to remove their keys from the box. If their key is in the box, they are safe for the moment, if not, they have been nominated. When Josh finds that he is safe, he almost weeps with joy. One can only hope that Lisa's plan to get even with him is not elaborate -- she's not terribly bright. A shocked Marcellas and a wounded Lori learn that they have been nominated.

In their taped reactions, Marcellas declares that he is not out of the game yet, and Lori bursts into tears while stating that it's her stalwart reaction to the nomination that is important. The announcer promises "surprises in store" for the houseguests on Saturday's episode of "Big Brother 3" -- let's hope it's a fight to the death between Marcellas and Josh.

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