The film Pearl Harbor will teach a generation of Americans about one of the most profound events in American history. It will teach them that Japan attacked America because we turned off their gas. They will learn that American women became nurses during WWII to see handsome men in their underwear. Most importantly, this generation will finally learn the heroic role played by fearless pilots, Maverick and Iceman - oops, Rafe McCawley and Danny Walker - during the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

This movie is not as painful as a blow to the head, but it will cost you up to $10, and it takes three hours. The first hour and forty-five minutes establishes one of the most banal love triangles ever put to film. Childhood friends Rafe McCawley and Danny Walker (Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett) both find themselves in love with the same woman, Evelyn Johnson (Kate Beckinsale).

Rafe had first dibs on Evelyn, but left Pearl Harbor in the first 60 minutes to take part in a different WWII film set in Britain - who can blame him? Unfortunately, Rafe is shot down over the Atlantic and presumed dead. (This is especially plausible, since his plane is shot down during the day, and he does not break the water's surface until well after sundown.) Evelyn is heartbroken, but at least she can stop writing painfully cheesy love letters to him.

Three months after her loss, Evelyn's mourning period ends, and she switches from tan lipstick back to bright red. Danny, who has predictably fallen in love with Evelyn, is now free to take her on plane rides, make out with her in the back of his car, in parachute hangars, etc. Until, of course, Rafe shows up, thoroughly piqued.

At this point in the film, even patriotic Americans in the audience will be begging for the Japanese to just get it over with and bomb the damn naval base. For forty minutes, Pearl Harbor becomes a montage of every violent special effect utilized in the past few years. Ships sink sideways into the water, as desperate sailors cling to the rails - just like Titanic! Bullets slice through the water, killing men swimming to safety - just like Saving Private Ryan! Cuba Gooding Jr. overcomes racial obstacles to become a war hero - just like in Men of Honor!

During the battle sequence, the film cuts to the hospital, where Evelyn and her fellow nurses are overwhelmed by the injured, and unable to see what they are doing because there is so much Vaseline on the lens. Evelyn uses her lipstick to "grade" injured soldiers in triage - which is the true sign of heroism in a woman - always knowing where her purse is! Tragically, after unleashing so much pain and devastation on unsuspecting Americans, the film refuses to end. Pearl Harbor lurches through another hour of bad dialogue and outdated war clichés. It's about what one would expect from Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay, but it is especially insulting, because unlike The Rock and Armageddon, thousands of real American soldiers lost their lives at Pearl Harbor and their story should not be blatantly exploited for summer box office.

- Photo copyright: Touchstone Pictures