Satrical Version of the Most Pompous Christmas Newsletter Ever Written

by Steve Marca

Hello to our dear family, friends, associates, confidants, acquaintances, public servants, passersby, on-lookers, total strangers, and those openly hostile to us. This is our first Christmas letter together and though we know it will be a more rewarding experience for all of you than anything you have ever known, it is our hope that it will somehow manage to match the wit, beauty and majesty of last year's Christmas letter.

This will be our first joint Christmas missive since our love bloomed last fall. As many of you recall from that special autumn (special for all who were there to witness our love germinate and put out roots) we met at the annual Pumpkin Festival in Virginia City. I was scooping out a mammoth melon when I noticed a leather-clad wood nymph at the cider press-Kerri! The whole festival was enthralled by our pure love and everyone begged us to come back this year. But you know us-we never make plans. We just point the car and go!

We kicked off 1998 (the best year of the 90's-don't you think?) in Las Vegas where Kerri's family owns the Luxor casino. After an spontaneous aerial tour of the strip in a 24-karat Huey we greeted the new year from a special observation deck located in the apex of the pyramid that only special people are allowed to use. The elevator operator was enlightened by our love during the ascent and offered to become our manservant. But we both believe servitude is wrong and told him so. He was crestfallen when he realized he could not come with us, but we believe the experience still made him a better person.

In March we decided to celebrate the equinox with a ski trip to Taos where my family owns Taos. Despite a heavy downpour that had melted all the snow and caused severe mudslides that killed dozens we had a blast-and managed to sneak in some mud skiing! Kerri fell in love with my family as well as the climate, soil, fauna, vegetation, local insects, indigenous diseases, social milieu, prejudices, local customs, culture, characteristic architecture, philosophy, and the curious habit of using base six for all arithmetic calculations that is particular to the local population.

Some wonderful news regarding Kerri's lockjaw. The doctors tried a new procedure whereby every Monday they broke her jawbone in 7 places in an effort to loosen it up. I am pleased to report that after 8 months of this therapy she is now able to drink water through a straw and to gurgle "yeth" and "mo".

In May we were married!!!! The ceremony occurred aboard the USS Constitution, which was given special permission to sortie out to sea for the occasion. After the Pope had pronounced us man and wife and Kerri had mumbled her "yeth", a replica of the HMS Resolute was sunk with a broadside from Old lronsides. Sadly she went down with all hands. But what a marvelous day!!!

During the months that followed, Kerri and I continued work on the time machine I patented in the 70's. Occasionally we would travel back ourselves to right wrongs or simply for the fun of it. But we never planned anything. Everything we did was completely spontaneous; I want to make that clear.

In October we went to Kerri's favorite demolition derby track-the fearsome confines of the Moab Municipal Arena where we were delighted and entertained by intentional auto accidents for three days running. Everyone loved us and after the last driver had been pronounced dead, the entire town declared it Kerri and Bob Day in perpetuity. There was to be a ceremony but we spontaneously left as Kerri had a headache.

To celebrate our one-year anniversary of first seeing each other leading to our perfect love, we revisited the Pumpkin Festival in Virginia City where all the people had returned expecting our return. After hand-squeezing all the apples in town to make cider for the homeless the folk, all gathered round to watch as Kerri and I made sweet, sweet love on the very spot where our noble bond first manifested itself. And, yes, there was an encore.

That night we watched a band that was the greatest assemblage of musicians representing the rock genre in the history of intelligent life. The singer was a lot like the singer in the Beatles but much more talented. Afterwards, the band presented us with a new Cadillac, which we drove home through a gently falling Christmas snow.

I think this is our best letter ever. We wish you all could have the kind of joy and fulfillment that only we, in reality, can ever know. Peace and love to you all.

We love you!!!!

PS. Anyone interested in investing in the time machine can contact me at Bob@aol.com

Re-read the Original Newsletter