The Most Pompous Christmas Newsletter Ever Written
*(only the names have been changed)

Hello to all our wonderful friends and family. This is the first Christmas letter from both Kerri Smith and Bob Smith. Just think, last year at this time, Kerri was writing to you, telling everyone about our first two months together. This year, our letter will be just as warm-hearted, charming and insightful.

To end our year in 1997, Kerri and I became engaged on our first road trip to Big Bear, California last year. I presented an engagement ring to her at 11:59pm on Christmas Eve. After almost 30 minutes of looking at the box, playing with the box, and then opening the box … our lives came together.

To start our 1998 New Year, we visited Kerri's family in Las Vegas. New Years Eve started at 10:00pm on the strip that was blocked-off, packed with thousands of people in the streets, champagne abound, party streamers, noise makers and brisk 28 degree weather. The crowds were wild, the revelers in great sprits and lights everywhere. At 11:30pm, we spotted a private helicopter ride company next door to New York, New York Hotel on the strip. Without a hesitation, we were flying a complete circle over the entire strip for twenty minutes. Kerri was lucky and fortunate to co-pilot a helicopter named "Spirit of America" (you all know she is still working on her pilot's license), she was in heaven! The night was clear, the fireworks were bursting and our spirits were high … as we entered the New Year outside of the Luxor Hotel.

In March, Kerri and I decided to take a snow skiing trip to visit my hometown of Spokane, Washington, and Lake Couer d'Alene, Idaho (my family owns a beautiful home on the lake). We took off with great expectations, but soon realized that the pouring rain; this late in the year … melted the last of the quality powder snow. Misty, cold mornings would start each days road-trip to all of my fond memories of childhood. Kerri could not help but to be in awe. She loved my family, friends, the streams, plant-life, varieties of moss, farms, wineries, photography and the small quaintness of the Northwest, and they loved her too!

Now some great news, remember Kerri's' jaw joints? She is healing progressively, at year 14. In the last year, we have re-assessed her health and have visited new medical professionals looking for answers to create a new base line. Her TMJ surgeon has assured us that she is not in the category for a mechanical jaw anymore. In addition, a surprising part of our research is that Kerri's jaw is also very aggravated by her sinuses and allergies and barometric changes in elevation. The initial discovery occurred after our trip to the Northwest on United Airlines. This has allowed the two of us to enjoy life, to a much higher level.

On Friday, May 15th, a grand and wonderful thing happened. Kerri married me! We were married at "Our Lady Queen of Angels" church in Newport Beach, CA. The wedding was very small and intimate. Father Bill and (Kerri's Confirmation Godmother) Sister Agetha, walked everybody up the marble stairs to the altar to share in the traditional Catholic ceremony with us … al in a half-mooned circle, encircling the lighted candles. Then we left the church for our honeymoon. We pointed the car North and found ourselves in Solvang, CA. This is a wonderful Dutch style town full of charm. Our first day, with no plans or road map, we asked for the "best" breakfast … this started a journey of twenty-seven referrals over the next week of bliss. The wineries in this region proved to be fruitful, and we came home with five cases of handpicked favorites. Our last days were in on the coast in Cambria, a wonderful town just south of the Hearst Castle. We took three of the four tours offered of the Castle, and they were magnificent. Kerri's historical design experience left her in heaven and breathless. We both were astonished with its depth of character and intrigue.

After our return, Kerri and I started our new life. We opened a marketing and business development company. The company started off with an initial focus of marketing, then Kerri realized that a software I had been developing for over 5 years would be a great core product, and we decided to switch our emphasis. We had several outside business consultants look at the product, and the opinions were that the concept and product had a very promising future. We are now gathering a team of professionals and plan to go to market in the second quarter of next year with the Beta Test on five law firms that already are signed up contractually. - Oh, and yes, Kerri still has her interior design and architectural specification firm, Ford Interiors; celebrating its seventh year of operation.

In October, we went to the California 500 at the California Speedway in Fontana to watch Kerri's favorite sport, car racing. This time it was Formula cars, and not her beloved Winston NASCAR. The race was unbelievable (seven crashes) and our seats were perfect; 30 rows up and in the middle of turn one looking down on pit row. The race was intense and great to the last lap!

To continue our autumn romance, we found an area in the San Gabriel Mountains where we could go and pick apples, pears, raspberries, pumpkins, squash and other harvest goodies: Glen Oaks, CA. We pressed our own gallon of fresh apple cider, and you are holding the picture to prove it! What a fantastic day.

To celebrate our one-year meeting of falling in love and Kerri saying Yes, in the back of a gift shop … we returned to Big Bear for the weekend. We went horseback riding for four hours in the deep wilderness of North Big Bear Lake. We window-shopped in the blustery day (ironically, the same people remembered us and "cheered our love and joy"). Later that evening we shot some pool then danced to the most incredibly talented rock-n-roll band that either of us had heard in years (Imagine a female Led Zepplin lead singer, with a broader range). As we closed the weekend, it started to snow.

So, now we close, until our next years Christmas letter. We wish you a blessed holiday season with your loved ones as you enjoy your traditions for this Christmas.

We love all of you!

...No, really, THIS was the real one. Here is the satirical version:

Steve Marca's Version